Wishing upon a Star Wars
DOTHAN, Ala., Nov 04, 2012 (Menafn - Dothan Eagle - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) --On Thursday, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feared that something terrible had happened.
I, of course, refer to the purchase of Lucasfilm by the Walt Disney Company and the subsequent announcement that Disney would make and produce Episode 7 in 2015.
After the initial shock wore off, I started feeling a little optimistic about the move. After all, Disney has done well with the "Iron Man" and "Avengers" films and they did make one of my favorite animated movies, the 1976 version of "Robin Hood." And let's face it; the franchise wasn't going anywhere further in George Lucas' hands.
However, as a fan of "Star Wars" -- one of the first movies I ever saw was "Return of the Jedi" in '83 and the Rebel Personnel Carrier was a prized toy of my boyhood -- I'd like to make a few requests of Disney as they begin to manage their new acquisition.
- No musicals, ever. The Star Wars Universe will do quite well without singing crab Jedi, thank you very much.
- Get Burt Reynolds to play an aged Boba Fett. Trust me on this one.
- The Cyrus family should be completely excluded from any and all Star Wars films. Mos Eisley is a den of scum and villainy, but even it has standards.
- Please avoid doing what you did with the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise -- making a great first movie and then three sequels devoid of any sort of sensible plot or purpose. There are "Police Academy" sequels better than "Pirates of the Caribbean 2."
- No talking dogs, sentient Volkswagens, or Tim Allen.
- Before beginning work on any new "Star Wars"-related project, make the entire cast and crew watch Episode 1. Let them get a good feel for what the rock bottom of the franchise was. It will encourage them to avoid a similar debacle.
- Do not let Michael Bay anywhere near this franchise.
- Do not let Nicholas Cage anywhere near this franchise.
- Resist the temptation to go back and tinker with previous films. Although the idea of erasing the taint of Jar Jar Binks from the franchise forever has an allure stronger than any blandishment the Dark Side has to offer, going back and revising movies years after they've been released is a wanker move.
- If I see Zack or Cody anywhere near the Millennium Falcon, I will cut someone.
- If you ever make a Star Wars movie in 3D, I will cut someone.
- Lastly, remember this: disrespect for the fan base, cross-promotional marketing, attempts to promote social consciousness; these are the path to the Dark Side.
Dark Lord of the Pith Jim Cook can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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