(MENAFN- Khaleej Times) Many people assume that anyone who writes for a newspaper must know everything about pretty much everything.
This is not exactly true. You must not confuse our tendency for an opinion with a propensity for information. Just because you see our bylines on top of stories about the latest iPhone or the most recently enhanced version of Lance Armstrong does not necessarily mean we know much about technology or pharmaceuticals.
In fact, read most of our articles and you will see remarkable similarities in them to what the vast majority of editors on Wikipedia think. Tee hee.
Which is why this latest economic crisis in the Euro zone, and in Greece in particular, is such a pain in the backside if you are a journalist. Every time you meet friends or family, and the topic of the global economic malaise comes up, they want you to explain what the heck is going on in Greece.
Everyone around the table puts down their knives and forks, lowers half-eaten chicken legs, and turns to you. And waits. For enlightenment.
Now the things is the Greek crisis is easy to explain. The Greek government spent way more money than it had. And is now utterly broke. However the public does not buy such a simple explanation. They want complication, they want journalistic due process.
You don't want to elaborate, but the missus nudges you with an elbow and looks at you with that look in her eyes that seems like romance but actually says: "Sidin, you are the only person at this table without a proper day job. You just sit at home in your lungi all day typing. Please do something to uphold my honour in this community." She silently says this while running her heel through my shin. So I play along.
"Beginning in late 2009, fears of a sovereign debt crisis developed among investors concerning Greece's ability to meet its debt obligations due to strong increase in government debt levels. This led to a crisis of confidence, indicated by a widening of bond yield spreads and the cost of risk insurance on credit default swaps compared to the other countries in the eurozone, most importantly Germany."
Wikipedia quoted. Honour upheld. Heel holstered. Harmony ensues. Chicken legs re-ascend.
Right? Wrong.
Next they want to know how the Greek economy can be saved. As if I have been sitting on a secret solution to the crisis without sharing it with the European Central Bank, Angela Merkel, Goldman Sachs, Pranab Mukherjee, Manmohan Singh and everyone else deeply affected by the crisis.
And so it was earlier this week when I met family for dinner. "Tell us Sidin, how do you think the Greek economy can be saved? Tell us! Tell us!" As they were haranguing me the television was streaming the daily news. And then suddenly it struck me. I new exactly how to save Greece.
Listen carefully.
The new Samaras government in Greece, or whichever one is in power when this column goes to press, must immediately declare a civil war situation in the country. This is easy enough to do anyways. Greece is currently deeply divided.
Of course there won't be an actual war. Just fake media reports and government press releases that seems to indicate extreme rebel violence. Greece must escalate this till it becomes a United Nations issue. As usual Russia and China will vote against interfering.
Subsequently Greece must secretly approach China and Russia for military assistance. It is one of the ironies of the modern world that while countries seldom lend each other money, they are more than happy to ship container loads of guns and bombs. Both countries will ship mountains of weapons over.
Which the Greek government will then sell to Egypt or Syria for billions of dollars of cold, hard cash. The politicans will take 50% and give the country the remaining 50%. Problem solved, Greece saved, austerity finished, and common Greek on the street can resume evading taxes.
What is the procedure to apply for Nobel Prize?
Sidin Vadukut is a columnist and foreign correspondent for the Mint-WSJ and contributor to NYT's India Ink
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