(MENAFNEditorial)
April 24th 2015--Not since Watergate has there been such an obvious cover-up as the toupee donned by Donthat's Sam Donaldson the former ABC anchor who is also known for interviewing Presidents. Sam's toupee is legendary like the Loch Ness Monster or maybe the Loch Nest Monster. In fact Sam's toupee has been an inspiration to some of the Presidents he’s interviewed—most notably Ronald Reagan: “Mr. Donaldson tear off that rug.”
We can guess all we want but never really know why he wears that half dead mink. And you can’t ask him about it because he doesn’t think anyone else knows he’s wearing a rug. How can he possibly think that? He might as well be wearing an encyclopedia on his head. As long as we’re guessing why he wears it we should come up with a plausible story. Here's one. It may not be cinematically accurate but it would explain everything.
The man with the fringe on top began broadcasting for ABC in 1967. Call it a coincidence but that was the same year "The Graduate" was released. Sam read for the part of Benjamin Braddock but lost the role to Dustin Hoffman. Sam didn’t know how to handle Mrs. Robinson’s advances thinking he had to be politically correct—“Hold on Mrs. Robinson. You mean you want me to insert my “A” into your “B?” But that wasn’t the only reason Sam didn’t get the part. He had trouble understanding the meaning of the opening sequence at the graduation party in his honor.
“Sam” said the inebriated but worldly man at the party.
“Mr. McGuire” retorted Sam.
“Sam.”
“Mr. McGuire.”
“Come with me for a minute. I want to talk to you.”
Sam and Mr. McGuire walked out of the crowded living room together and onto the patio where they could be alone. Mr. McGuire squeezed Sam’s shoulder reassuring him of his sincere intentions.
“Just one word” said Mr. McGuire.
“Yes sir.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes I am” said Sam not knowing his life was about to change.
“Plastics!”
“Exactly how do you mean?” asked Sam.
“There’s a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?”
“Yes I will.”
“Shhh ‘nuf said. That’s a deal.”
Sam wasn’t the same after that but he didn’t know why. He was baffled. What the heck did Mr. McGuire mean—plastics? But he kept his promise and he thought about it. Then he thought some more. But he couldn’t figure out exactly what Mr. McGuire meant. This was a real puzzle. Sam sat himself down to think.
“Hmmm what did Mr. McGuire mean by that?” Sam thought as he scratched his head in contemplation.
The more he thought the more he scratched and the more he scratched the more hair would slough off his head. Finally after thinking about plastics for ten hours straight Sam got up to go to the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror he was horrified.
“What happened to my hair? Where did it go?”
Sam had scratched the top of his cranium clean thinking of plastics. Nothing left but a shiny spot.
“This is awful” Sam thought. “I’m going to be on the air in less than an hour. What’ll I do? What can I use to cover up the naked skin?”
Sam bolted from the bathroom and frantically scoured the house for something to put on his head. He spotted an old green and yellow Halloween fright wig left over from his trick-or-treating days as a kid.
“Naw too real looking” Sam thought.
He then ran into the kitchen and saw a blender filled with moldy left over margarita mix.
“Naw too real looking” Sam thought.
Still searching Sam ran into the family room and saw a 45 labeled Hair not knowing it was part of the soundtrack for a new Broadway hit.
“Ah hah!” Sam exclaimed as if he just found the Dead Sea Scrolls. “This is what Mr. McGuire must have meant” not thinking that vinyl could be slightly different than plastic.
But it was good enough for him. He slapped the disc on his head straightened his tie and proudly made tracks for the TV station on that hot day. In fact it was so hot the sun melted the disc on his head—creating at least from a distance an illusion of real hair. For a second Sam thought of putting the entire album on his head but he immediately dismissed the idea. “Too gauche.”
Sam made it to the station and sat down at the broadcast desk.
“What do you think?” Sam asked his co-anchor as he pointed to the top of his head.
“What do I think of what?” the co-anchor asked diplomatically.
“Oh nothing” said Sam tickled his colleague didn’t notice the crushed tarantula on his head. “I think I’ll keep this a secret between me and myself. No one has to know” thought Sam.
And that’s how it happened. And as the late great Paul Harvey used to say "And now you know the rest of the story."
These stories and others can be found in Dr. Daniel Kamen's book "How To Eat Like A Pig And Still Gain Weight."
www.eatlikeapig.net
1-800-742-8433
dkamen4492@aol.com
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